The Secret to Overcoming Self-Criticism

Inside: Have a voice inside your head that constantly reminds you of all the things you’re doing wrong. Overcoming self-criticism is the key to silencing that voice forever.

There’s this little voice on the inside that seems to revel in pointing out all of my mistakes, everything that I did wrong, and all the things that I could have done. It sends me on these rabbit trails of “Oh my goodness, I totally blew that. I’m a terrible person. What are they going to think about me?” 

This is a common problem with introverts and highly sensitive people. We struggle with negative self-talk and with having an inner critic. Today, I want to help all of us because it’s something I’m working on still too. I want to help us learn how to silence that inner critic and overcome the tendency to engage in negative self-talk. 

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What is Your Inner Critic?

It is this little thing inside each of us that likes to criticize, critique, and tear apart everything we do, think, feel, say/don’t say, and how we act/don’t act, and it can be really discouraging. As HSPs and introverts, we are already people with heightened sensitivity who are very introspective. 

We are always thinking through things, considering different possibilities, and considering how to improve and grow. That’s our default. We are always looking in to see what could’ve been done differently and better, asking how we can grow and change. Add on something that’s supercritical and nagging, and you have a recipe for a downward spiral.

Where Does It Come From?

It can come from a lot of places: past experiences, culture and society, and sometimes it’s even your own personal insecurities. 

For me, my inner critic comes from past experiences. I grew up in a household with a very critical parent, always being told that what I was doing was wrong. The fact that I was different was a problem. Constantly nitpicking every little thing from sunup to sundown. It was maddening. It’s why I ran away as far as I could when it was time to go to college. 

I also experience many societal pressures, which I know you can all relate to. Our society is very extrovert-friendly, and if you don’t behave that way, you may not be perceived as outgoing, jovial, or friendly, which can be a problem. 

Because of our heightened sensitivity, people who are quiet, reserved, move at a slower pace, or are extremely emotional are often critiqued and looked down on. This can lead to personal insecurities. Listen, everybody has things about themselves that they’re not super happy with and that they feel insecure about, but that inner critic really heightens that and makes it worse. 

For someone who is highly sensitive and introverted, this gets amplified because we’re already sensitive, reflective, and introspective. When you add in that inner critic, it’s like putting gasoline on a fire. 

But this doesn’t have to be the case. We know that our worth, value, and identity are not found in our past experiences or in what culture says. It doesn’t come from the insecurities that we have. We should be finding our identity in Christ and learning how to look at ourselves in a positive light. Looking at yourself in view of what God’s word says can really help combat negative messages that you’re getting from other places, and it can help you to silence your inner critic.

How to Recognize Patterns of Negative Self-Talk

How can you recognize when your inner critic is running amok? There are some common patterns. Cultural expectations and being nitpicked all stem from feelings of inadequacy—the belief that you are not enough, that there is somehow something faulty, wrong, or broken in you because you relate to the world differently than other people around you. 

There’s also fear of being judged unfairly and incorrectly because you are different. The oh-so-common struggle with perfectionism. You want to get it right, we want to get approval, we want to have that sense of belonging and understanding and of being seen and known and loved, and all those things can really drive a person towards perfectionism, like trying to do everything perfectly all the time.

Feeling inadequate or judged, which can also include fear of rejection and perfectionism, will be a pattern throughout your life. I kid you not: When I look back on my life, I can see little stones across a river on my journey with perfectionism. The same thing is probably similar for you. 

If you think, “Well, that makes sense, but I still don’t know what my patterns are,” listen. It’s not a problem because it’s really easy to identify these patterns. You just need to start paying attention to your thoughts and emotions. 

One thing I like to do with my clients is to have them take a week to journal and record their feelings throughout the day. If they feel angry, I have them write down what made them angry. What thoughts did they have? 

I often tell the story of being worn out and exhausted and walking into the kitchen to find flour, eggs, and a mess all over it. My initial response is to be angry and frustrated because my kids are just out of control and don’t appreciate my hard work. They just like to make more work for me, is the thought running through my mind. 

The truth was that they were trying to do something nice for Mommy by making her breakfast, and because they were small, they made a mess. I can look at my emotions and thoughts and notice a pattern. Any time I experience this, I feel this and think this. 

That is how you can begin to track and become more aware of the (negative) thoughts that are following you around. The longer that you can track this, the easier it is to see the patterns.

Silencing Your Inner Critic 

What do you do when you have identified these negative thoughts and realize that your inner critic just needs to hush up? Number one, replace lies with truth. Scripture calls this taking thoughts captive, making them obedient to the word of God. You can counter any kind of negative self-thought, any kind of inner critic that’s going on, with the truth from scripture. 

In my example, my self-talk told me that I should be angry because my kids were ungrateful, unruly, and out of control. The truth was no. My kids love me, I have good kids, and they are so thoughtful. They saw me working so hard that they wanted to help me out by making me breakfast. 

Start telling yourself the truth, and if you want to pair scripture with that, that’s awesome. If you start feeling that something is wrong with you, that you were broken, or that you were made incorrectly, you can tell yourself Psalm 139:14: I’m fearfully and wonderfully made. The goal is that, eventually, the truth will become louder than the inner critic.

You can also use affirmations, and I don’t mean wacky manifest things or mantras. I mean finding truth that you can repeat over and over to yourself throughout the day. One way to do this is through scripture. Find scriptures that encourage you and speak truth to you, and turn them into affirmations. Put them on cards and take them with you so that when you’re having a rough moment, you can pull them out and read them to yourself.

The other thing to do is to pray. Renewing your mind means changing your thoughts. A great way to do this is to sit down and talk to God about what you’re thinking and feeling. This will take that burden off of you and give it to him. Ask him to help you think the way he thinks about you and your situation. It’s super helpful and super easy to do. 

Practical Solutions

What are some practical ways that you can begin to silence your inner critic and deal with this negative self-talk? The first thing that we talked about was tracking your thoughts and journaling is a great way to do this. Not only to identify what you’re thinking or what’s playing on that tape in your head, but also to process it and reframe it. 

Think through the story you’re telling yourself right now about your situation or about who you are. Journal that out. Then you can go through it and do something like truth journaling where you identify each individual thought and then ask if it’s true. 

If it’s not true, then you literally write out what the truth would be. You can do that as many times as you need as a way to process what you’re thinking, process what you’re feeling, and begin to reframe it by thinking something different.

Be sure that you have community, people around you, and in your corner who are going to be there to nurture you, love on you, and support you, to help you develop positive self-talk. When I go to my girlfriend, and say, “Oh my goodness, I’m so terrible, I’m so dumb, I’m so this, and that .” she’s quick to correct me. 

Have those people around you who are going to counter that exposure that you’re getting to negativity. The last step that I want to leave you with for today is to remember, that as an introvert who’s highly sensitive, you need to have time to yourself. It can be a problem if, when you’re by yourself, you have a negative spiral going on, but solitude can be a really peaceful, soothing, healing space.

Other Helpful Resources:

• 9 Tips for Choosing Your Mood
• How to Make Friends as an Introvert
• 7 Self-Care Ideas for Introverts