The Secret to Ending the Avoidance Cycle So You Can Find Peace

Emotional avoidance only creates bigger problems and more emotional distress.

For a long time, I was increasingly frustrated when I would share with somebody that I was struggling with something, that my life was feeling overwhelming, that I didn’t know what to do, that I was lost for direction, and they would smile at me and out of their mouth would come some Christian platitude.

“God never gives us more than we can handle.”, or something like that. It never ceased to frustrate me to no end. I still find it a little frustrating, but it doesn’t affect me as much as it used to. Here’s the thing, at that moment I was super overwhelmed. I was avoiding dealing with whatever it was, and telling me that God wasn’t going to give me more than I could handle wasn’t helpful. 

I heard, “You should be able to handle this.” But I couldn’t. So what was wrong with me? Then, instead of listening, discerning, and trying to figure out how to deal with things my brain was stuck on trying to figure out what was wrong with me.  I was again avoiding the problem.

I was avoiding the problem originally because I was overwhelmed and didn’t want to deal with it and then I was avoiding the problem by thinking about something else. Something that wasn’t actually the problem, but was easier for me to think on. Are you following me?

This is something that I see a lot inside our community and with the ladies that I work with. You get to the point where life is just so difficult. Nothing makes any sense and you’re so overwhelmed by all of the things you are feeling that you decide you’re just not going to deal with it. 

You don’t know how because it’s too hard and overwhelming.  Every time you try you feel worse. So you’re just not going to do that anymore. This is a problem, right? You don’t want to be the kind of woman who avoids dealing with whatever is in front of you. You want to be able to face your problems head-on, to manage your emotions and thoughts that come up.  You want to have emotional resilience no matter what is coming at you. Today,  I’m going to share some encouragement and a little tough love when it comes to avoiding your problems.

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Understanding the Nature of Overwhelm

Today, we are all (myself included) going to need to put on our big girl pants because I’m not pulling any punches. We’re talking about avoiding problems when things are hard and specifically the emotional consequences of that. 

What do I mean when I say avoiding problems? It’s difficult for me to give you a clear, concrete definition and explanation because it will look different for each of us. As unique as we each are, we are going to avoid our problems in unique ways based on our own situations. 

Generally speaking, it’s not dealing with the problem in front of you. Things like, “Well, I’m struggling with buying too many things and overshopping. But instead of addressing why I’m doing that, I’m going to clip coupons and mess with the budget a little bit, see if I can find more money so that I can buy more things.” 

You can see this in any area of your life. It can be work, it can be your relationships, it can be your health, it can be your finances, it can be anything. You really have to learn to get to the bottom of why you feel so overwhelmed all of the time. 

When a client says, “I’m so overwhelmed,” I usually push back a little with, “Yeah, that’s not enough.” Because usually, overwhelm is a catch-all label for what you’re feeling. You don’t actually know what you’re feeling. It’s not so much that you’re overwhelmed; it’s that you’re feeling something else and overwhelming you. 

Another reason to learn how to identify what that feeling is is so that you can work on how to cope and deal with the overwhelm that comes from it. I see this a lot during major life transitions. Like when you’re dealing with a death, a divorce, moving, changing jobs, or health issues. 

When you don’t deal with things in a healthy way; they don’t go away. They usually get bigger and bigger, which just increases the amount of overwhelm that you’re feeling. This avoidance that happens is actually a coping mechanism. An attempt to deal with the overwhelm. 

It’s like, “Oh, I’m overwhelmed, so I’m not going to deal with it. Oh wait, I’m still overwhelmed. Well, I’m not going to deal with that either. Oh wait, it’s coming back; I’m not going to deal with it.”

It’s this never-ending cycle that you get stuck in. It’s not going to go anywhere; it’s still going to be there. You’re just reinforcing negative patterns and the despair that you’re feeling. It doesn’t go anywhere. 

So what do you do? 

Learn how to recognize when you are avoiding things. Pay attention to the triggers and the behaviors that you have that indicate you are avoiding. For me, I will get really busy organizing or planning things. My life feels so out of control. So, instead of actually addressing the actual problem, I will clean out drawers and go through clothes and make lots of lists and all of these things. 

It’s my way of trying to have the illusion of control of something because I feel so out of control, but it’s not actually dealing with the thing that’s causing me to feel out of control. It’s just something else that’s occupying my time.

Emotional Consequences of Avoidance

Sometimes, you avoid out of fear of failure or fear of rejection. Perfectionism can also cause avoidance. Sometimes you just don’t feel confident that you know how to handle it. You don’t have good coping skills or coping mechanisms. 

What you need here is a lot of compassion for yourself and no judgment. Just recognize that in that moment, you’re probably doing the best that you can because it’s hard and it is overwhelming. Be kind to yourself and give yourself the time, space, and grace to actually develop the skills that you need to deal well.

We find ourselves on this emotional roller coaster: up and down, around and upside down, and back, and loop and loop and loop. This can amplify your anxiety and stress. You might have short-term relief, like a couple of days or weeks where you feel like you’ve got a handle on things, but in the long run, you’re just adding to the emotional distress that you’re feeling. 

You’ve got to understand that unresolved things do not go away. They keep showing up and eventually get bigger and bigger until they are so big that you can no longer avoid them. You burn out, you hit rock bottom. Your mental health becomes so difficult and you struggle so much that you’ve got to get all the professional help at that point because you weren’t able to get a grip on things earlier.

It leads to a lot of guilt and shame. I experienced this. I had a lot of guilt over how bad my situation got, especially with my kids involved, because I wasn’t good enough or strong enough to deal with it. 

I felt a lot of shame, like, “What kind of mother am I? What kind of woman am I? What kind of person am I that I let things get this bad?” But the truth is, I did not have the skills I needed to confront my problems head-on. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know what I didn’t know.

I had a low self-esteem. I felt incapable and inadequate. I had no confidence. I didn’t think I could do anything. I couldn’t do laundry, I couldn’t parent well, I couldn’t cook, I couldn’t do anything, and I was plagued by doubt. I doubted myself. I second, third, fourth, and fifth-guessed myself over every little thing. It was a dark time. 

Effects on Personal Relationships

My relationships were strained because I just couldn’t. I was not a good person to be close to because of all the unresolved stuff that I had. I couldn’t show up for my friends and for the people in my circle because I wasn’t able to function on my own, and that left me feeling out of control. 

I felt like I had no agency and couldn’t make my own choices. I couldn’t make my own decisions. I just needed somebody to come in and tell me what to do and how to do it because I could not muster up the energy or the mental and emotional strength I needed. 

Altogether, it took a huge emotional toll on me. All of it kind of added up together and knocked me flat on my behind for a long time. It took me a long time to get up from that, and sometimes this looks like a mental health crisis, like what I was experiencing. Sometimes it’s substance abuse; sometimes it’s other unhealthy things. 

You want to learn how to deal with these things so that you can avoid falling into these traps, into these pits, and going down these paths. But if you’re like, “Listen, I’m already there,” that’s okay. It’s never too late to break the cycle of avoidance and start your journey towards emotional healing and growth.

You’re still here; you’re still alive. It’s not too late. You can take the steps you need to start taking care of yourself and begin to do better.

Psychological Effects of Avoidance

I’ve talked a little bit about the emotional effects and some of the interpersonal effects, but there are a lot of psychological effects as well, especially when it comes to unresolved trauma. 

What you find is that when you avoid dealing with things, it’s a snowball effect where you just have more unresolved trauma. It just gets bigger and bigger until it’s so complex and involved that you need professional help to begin to untangle it and deal with it. 

There’s no way you can deal with that on your own at that point because it’s too convoluted. You’re going to have extreme anxiety and extreme fear. You avoid things because you’re afraid of them or because you don’t know what to do. 

The more you do that, you live in this heightened state of waiting for the other shoe to drop. You’re always anticipating something bad. You live your life that way, and that is such a hard place to be because it just increases that fear and that anxiety. 

The more you’re afraid and anxious, the more you’re going to see lots of impacts on your cognitive functioning. I’m not going to get really deep here, but just think about how hard it can be to focus, to make decisions, and to solve problems. You can’t concentrate or remember anything because your mind is so consumed with all the things that you’re not dealing with. 

This can lead to all kinds of things. You’re going to have an escalation of these avoidance behaviors like self-harm. You might see physical symptoms like tension headaches, stomach issues, and not being able to sleep. Take my word for it, I’ve been there.

It continues to reinforce all of these negative beliefs you have about yourself.  Like the belief that you can’t cope, that you’re inadequate, that you don’t know what you’re doing, that it’s your fault, or that you’re worthless. You’re just reinforcing those things by not dealing with them. 

The less you cope, the fewer skills you’ll have to cope. It’s like a muscle: the more that you use it, the more resilient you are. You’re going to be able to do that more, but if you don’t cope and you don’t do well, you’re going to lose the ability to do it over time, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Eventually, you can’t deal because you haven’t been dealing. 

Breaking the Cycle of Avoidance

So what do you do? You’ve got to relearn or learn healthy coping skills—therapy, support groups, self-help books, all of these things. I’m not talking about quick fixes. I’m talking about things to add to your toolbox to help and support yourself on this journey. It’s going to look very different depending on what your situation is, what your personality is, and what works for you, but overall, it’s going to involve some common principles.

It’s going to involve understanding and cultivating awareness and mindfulness. I’ve been talking about this a lot—being aware of what you’re feeling, and thinking, and of your actions and what’s happening because of that. 

Being mindful, and being present in your body and your life, helps you with that awareness because you’re paying attention to your body, your thoughts, and your emotions. Then you can identify what’s going on. There are so many techniques and things that you can learn when it comes to mindfulness. 

Develop self-compassion. Be compassionate with yourself, and be kind to yourself as you’re learning how to do these things. Next, you’re going to learn how to embrace vulnerability and courage. You have got to drop the facade, drop the mask, drop all pretense, drop it all, and just be real. 

Because if you aren’t going to be real and raw, it’s not going to work. You have to face this head-on, with no pretense. It’s going to allow you to acknowledge what you’re struggling with, where you need help, and where you need support so that you can go find what you need.

I’m not talking about big, huge steps—tiny steps that together add up to help you be successful in dealing with your problems, dealing with your emotions, and getting the support and connection that you need.

You cannot do this work and this journey by yourself. You need people; you need community. This is coming from the biggest introvert on the planet. You need people. I’m not saying you need a thousand people, but you need to have that circle of people that you can be open, honest, and vulnerable with. 

People who will check on you and support you.  Who aren’t going to let you make excuses. They’re going to hold you accountable. You need that. You need professionals—therapy, coaching, counseling, a mentor, support groups, whatever it is. You need to get all of that in place so that you can have what you need to grow, get healthy, and learn how to process your emotions. All of this is key to developing coping skills and resilience.

The goal when it comes to facing your problems head-on is resilience. You want to be able to deal with life as it comes. To bounce back from whatever it is that life throws at you. As long as you’re here on Earth you will have hard times. Stuff’s going to happen, and so what you need is resilience. 

You also need to learn how to set realistic goals and boundaries. Boundaries are a good thing; they are helpful; they are wonderful. But you’ve got to be realistic with what you’re trying to accomplish as well. Boundaries will help you to protect your emotional health, protect your journey, and help you stick to those goals.

Learn to embrace growth and transformation. It’s not an easy process, it’s not a pretty process, and I’m going to be a thousand percent honest with you, it doesn’t feel good at all. Learning how to identify your emotions, manage them, and process them is messy and ugly. 

There are things down there that you probably don’t want to deal with. That’s when your support system comes in. I can’t tell you the number of times that I have been working on something and I’m like, “Oh, this is awful!” I go to my therapist and say, “Okay, I was journaling the other day, and here’s what came up. Can you help me process this?” Because I know I need to deal with it, but I don’t want to. 

Embrace that growth. Embrace the fact that it’s going to take time and work, but listen, it’s worth it. It’s so worth it on the other side. You are so worth it on the other side.

The last thing I want to leave you with is this encouragement to celebrate your progress. Celebrate your effort. Celebrate the fact that you listened to this podcast and got some information you can use to help yourself. Celebrate your progress. Acknowledge your hard work. 

That’s going to go a long way in helping you practice that self-compassion and self-care that we keep talking about. Setbacks are a part of the process. You’re going to take two steps forward and eight steps back sometimes. That’s okay. You’re taking steps, you’re doing the work, and you’re trying your best. 

That is what is important. I want you to remember that you just keep going, you persevere. Treat yourself with kindness, lean on your support system, and little by little, that little bit will become a lot. 

You’ll find yourself a year from now, two years, ten years from now, no longer avoiding your problems. You will be able to face anything that comes your way, and you’ll be able to teach that to the people.

Other Helpful Resources:

• 5 Tips for Establishing a Journaling Routine
• 9 Tips for Choosing Your Mood
• Making Friends as an Introvert

Learning to manage and process your feelings is the best way to end emotional avoidance.